Can the judgments we cast about other people shine a light on our deepest desires and unmet needs? I think so. That’s because judgments of other people typically come from one of two places, shadow or envy, both excellent indicators of hidden aspects of our personalities.
As discussed in October’s post, Cast a Shadow, shadow aspects are that parts of ourselves we learned at a young age were not loveable or acceptable. As a result, these thoughts, behaviors, or feelings got shoved below the surface, into the subconscious. Things buried within, seldom stay below the surface forever; they tend to come up in very uncomfortable ways. Judgment is one of the ways they manifest in our lives to remind us they need attention.
In many cases, the aspects we’ve hidden, we’ve also overcorrected for in our conscious lives. The harshest judgments of others can be especially illustrative in sussing out shadow elements and creating greater balance. For example, if you find that an extremely outspoken colleague brings up all kinds of negative and judgemental feelings, go deep into yourself and ask what about their behavior bothers you so much. You may want to write it down, paying particular attention to the words you use. The words you use to describe things are often full of meaning. Pay attention to whether they are your own words, or whether they come from someone in your past. When you start searching for the origin of your distaste, you’ll likely recall an incident in childhood that sparked a feeling of shame. Perhaps you shared an opinion that did not align with your family system and were scolded for expressing it, or you may recall an incident in school in which classmates mocked you for expressing yourself.
If you allow it to, judgment can be an excellent teacher, showing you exactly where you need more balance in your life. It can lead you to the core of shame where you can heal your oldest wounds. Consider the judgment tarot card; it can be understood as a trumpet’s call awakening the querent from death-like sleep to greater self-awareness and higher purpose. Likewise, the expression of judgment in your life can be a call to recognize and reintegrate suppressed or dormant characteristics into your personality.
In many cases, you reject one element of the self and then immediately boost the signal of its opposite to make sure it stays low. For instance, if your family of origin showed you that being helpful and nurturing was best and taking care of your own needs first was selfish, you’ll likely find yourself judging people who ask for what they want while over-giving and feeling like a martyr. You may perceive those who practice self-care and assert themselves as selfish or self-centered instead of self-actualized. With honest reflection, you’ll uncover that you’d like to be a bit more “selfish” but feel that old fear of rejection from the family system whenever you try to assert yourself. The reintegration of shadow can be an extra challenge because of this dual override. For me, it’s also one of the strongest indications that you need to repair your relationship with this shadow aspect.
Judgment can also be the result of envy. At its most useful, envy lets us know where our needs are unmet, our souls are unsatisfied, and our dreams are unfulfilled. Envy is internalized scarcity consciousness, demonstrating our fears of not being enough of something, rather than not having enough of something. Feeling envy towards another person shows that we think they embody characteristics we admire and cannot embody ourselves. It’s a subtle clue to dissatisfaction.
Or, more positively stated, envy is a map to something we desire.
When we witness someone who embodies a lifestyle or characteristic we wish we could incorporate, it may come out in the form of a judgment. Judgment is almost always a reflection of the person issuing it and seldom truly about the object. For example, if you witness a couple of people standing on the sidelines of a party sizing up and commenting on someone dancing and genuinely enjoying themselves, you can safely assess a bit of envy in that behavior. A closer investigation will usually reveal that the bystanders envy the freedom or confidence exhibited by the object of judgment. The great thing about judgment is that if you pay attention, it’s a clue that can help you develop a more fulfilling life. It’s a call to greater satisfaction, self-expression, and fulfillment.
Catching not casting
So what can you do when you catch yourself casting judgment? Stop and take note of exactly which behaviors, beliefs, or characteristics you’re judging. Try to get very specific about exactly what it is that bothers you. Then, work back to the origin of why you’re opposed to that behavior. If you can, you’ve likely uncovered a shadow aspect or envy and can work from there. If you can’t, keep trying. This practice requires that you’re very honest with yourself about new qualities you’d like to embody in your life. Your challenge is to use the unpleasant feeling of judging another to reintegrate shadow aspects or embrace new ways of being.
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A quick note on the word judgment
While this post discusses judgment that is more frivolous and petty in nature, lower case ‘j’ judgment, if you will, I’m not comfortable with the modern-day demonization of this word because capital ‘J’ judgment is ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL for safety and wellbeing. This post reflects on judgments people habitually find themselves engaging in more for sport, not the kind required for safety, wellbeing, and survival. I want to put a fine point on the importance of judgment, or rather, discernment in decision making. We must judge people and situations for safety and value continuously throughout and make choices based on those judgments. Should you cross the road even though a car is coming? Should you let your kid stay at a friend’s house when the dad creeps you out? Should you take a shortcut through a shadowy alley? Is the job you just interviewed for a good fit? Is it a good idea to start a joint bank account with your sibling? These types of questions and hundreds of others per day require high order, capital ‘J’ judgment, (which I prefer to call discernment). If you fail to balance instinct and intuition in thoughtful discernment, you could suffer in myriad ways. This post in no way advocates for eliminating judgment from our lives; it simply proposes employing it with increased awareness.