I woke up on Christmas day with the first lines from Joni Mitchell’s song Down to You in my head. I couldn’t seem to move on with my day until I listened to the song. After listening to it a couple of times while dressing and preparing for the day, it was this lyric that stood out:
“In the morning there are lovers in the street
They look so high
You brush against a stranger
And you both apologize.”
It got me thinking about the apologizing epidemic women are confronting today. Apologizing for walking past another person too closely, is like apologizing for merely existing on the planet. It’s an apology for taking up space in the world. I considered how often I slip and say I’m sorry for things I’m not sorry for at all. I try to practice radical honesty, but this little filler phrase still seems to tumble from my lips automatically. Just as I have retained the use of the very un-grown-up word like from my childhood, sorry falls out unintentionally sometimes, even though I know better.
There are three main problems I have with the apologizing epidemic.
First, unconscious apologizing is ultimately a declaration of learned unworthiness and low self-confidence. Apology is defined by various dictionaries as an expression of regret or regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure. It only follows that continually expressing regret for everything from your opinions to looking good, will discount, deplete, and undermine your self-confidence over time. Habitual over-apologizing subtly robs you of confidence and allows others to discount you, undermining your value — these subtle, casual attacks from within work to decrease overall feelings of low worthiness. Not an intentional choice, but rather a polite filler phase, the automatic, unconscious I’m sorry undermines us as women working to empower ourselves in a society that does not always see us as equal or worthy of attention.
Additionally, when done mindlessly, misused apologies undermine the redemptive power of true expressions of regret or remorse or taking responsibility for a mistake. Genuine apologies are spiritual gold; they are raw emotional power. An authentic apology is packed with redemptive energy and can be the most profoundly healing statement. A million half-hearted, I’m sorrys diminish that energy.
Finally, casual, habitual apologizing is an integrity destroyer and can damage your credibility. If you are continually launching into insincere apologies, it’s akin to crying wolf. When you are genuinely sorry for something, it won’t mean anything because you’ve been watering down the value. Furthermore, this little expression is often a way of avoiding confrontation with others who may have a differing opinion. Contorting yourself in an attempt at people-pleasing is seldom satisfying because frankly, you’ll never please everyone, and over time apologizing for your beliefs will lead people to have less respect for you. If you are using false apologies to mask your views and opinions because you are afraid others won’t like them, you’ll lose your ability to trust yourself. Witnessing wishy-washy behavior also makes others question your integrity. Don’t apologize for your opinions; it negates the value of what you believe.
How to stop over-apologizing
The good news is that chronic apologizing is essentially a habit. Just as you can apply a strategy and change any habitual behavior, you can change this one. Before you begin, I suggest taking a more in-depth look at why you feel sorry for everything. Try to understand whether this is polite filler language or whether there are underlying issues you should address.
A few questions to ask:
- Do I have low self-esteem?
- Do I lack confidence in some areas of my life?
- Am I suffering from issues of worth/ feelings of unworthiness?
- Am I using insincere apologies to avoid conflict/people-please?
It’s also good to take a look at what you apologize for most frequently.
- Your ideas or beliefs?
- Your body/existence?
- Overall unspecified shame?
- Minor inconveniences?
- Everything?
The answers to these questions will help guide your next steps. Do you need to clarify your beliefs *link to belief audit? Do you need a confidence boost in some area of your life? Do you need to bolster your overall self-esteem? Are there deeper issues of self-worth that could use the assistance of a professional?
For a quick boost, try this exercise for a week (or longer)
Get a notebook or journal, and every evening, write down five ways you added value, either at work or at home.
The practice: gratitude
Gratitude is better for you than regret. Next time you want to apologize for a minor inconvenience or perceived inconvenience, say thank you instead. It takes an inward-focused attack and turns it into outward-focused appreciation. Gratitude turns your shame response into a joyous acknowledgment of someone else. Practicing gratitude shifts the focus away from shortcomings and places emphasis on generosity and goodness. Below are some examples of healthy replacements for ‘I’m sorry.’
- I’m sorry I’m late becomes thank you for waiting!
- I’m sorry for the error becomes thanks for catching my mistake!
- I’m sorry this is taking so long becomes thank you for your patience!
- I’m sorry to bother you becomes thanks for taking the time to help me with this!
Clear. Deliberate. Precise. Genuine. Thank you is so much more powerful than an insincere apology.
Further listening/reading:
No Apology Living | Megan Orcholski
It’s Time to Stop Saying I’m Sorry | Oprah Magaizine