There’s currently a great deal of commentary about how more women than ever are initiating divorces. While there are many different contributing social and economic factors, the bottom line is that women are leaving unsatisfying marriages and striking out on their own in droves. Unmarried women, too, are leaving inadequate relationships. Many middle-aged women who have been married/partnered for decades and haven’t experienced being single since they were much less mature are among the newly single. I’m witnessing this phenomenon regularly and want to address some outdated coping skills women in my generation (Gen X / 40+) are practicing and provide healthy healing tips for the newly single.
The emotional and physical pain of a breaking up is unique and unlike any other kind of suffering, though it has been compared to the grief one experiences when a loved one dies. Generally speaking, breakups are said to be more mentally and physically strenuous on women because, during the process, women do the demanding work required to heal. On average, it takes women longer to get over an ex, but when they do, they are often over them and ready to move on.
The grief of separation is compounded by the number of years one was partnered and the awareness of diminishing options that is the natural byproduct of aging. In middle age, the sense of uncertainty and the specters of vanishing prospects can loom large. There are fewer opportunities, and rather than seeing the silver lining, many women backtrack emotionally into behaviors that helped them cope in decades past. The use of these outdated coping mechanisms may also reflect a lack of practice. There are so many older women adrift right now – solo at a time when they expected to be partnered and not sure how to do single at this age. Instead of soul-searching and getting creative, many turn to the strategies they used at 25 or 35. These include things like jumping into other distracting relationships, the quick dopamine hit of random sex, or pain-dulling addictive behaviors. It is easy to see why these seem like natural responses, but rather than helping, such behaviors are likely to divert attention from the necessary emotional labor and prevent actual healing.
I’ll offer some wisdom for navigating the unique challenges of being an older single.
Before you can move on with your life, the first and most critical step is to determine whether or not you want to get your ex back or are ready for the next chapter. It’s beneficial to assess where you are emotionally and psychologically. Are you actively moving on, or are you hoping your ex will return? Do you want to be back together with them, or do you fear the uncertainty of the future? (The devil you know…) It’s critical, to be honest with yourself about this because it is the key determining factor in your successful healing.
If you are still focused on your ex, you may be compelled to engage in activities like revenge, ex-tracking, ex-comparison, and ex-competition. I have witnessed many wasting precious energy on these traps. Remember that the amount of your focus is spent on them equals the energy you’re not spending on yourself. And right now, you need you.
The Challenges
- Revenge: Revenge urges may be hard to resist when you feel wronged. To the extent that no one is hurt and no laws are broken, go ahead and indulge in a few petty insults. Tear up a box of love letters or a silk dress your ex bought. If you must satisfy that revenge urge, do it in the least awful way you can, but then recognize that nasty actions don’t actually make you feel any better and cut it out! Also, beware when hurling insults – what comes back is often cutting.
- Ex-Comparison: Comparing your life and choices with those of your emotionally unhealthy ex is toxic. It will not help you heal. Comparison naturally tends toward ex-competition, and that, my friend, is a race to the bottom. If you are no longer with your ex, there is a reason, and it is likely not their excellent character. You know the saying, don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outside; I’d take that further and recommend that you not compare your outside to theirs either. Your journey is your own; the lessons you are learning are unique to you. Comparison seldom brings positive results.
- Ex-Competition: If your ex immediately has a new relationship, you may feel that you should also be in one. If the ex buys a new car, the one they always wanted, you may feel compelled to do something similar. You may want to prove that you are not a flawed person or you were not the problem by demonstrating similar wins. But parroting their actions in a vain attempt to confirm that you are not defective is probably not right for you. You need time to heal and reevaluate. You need time to reimagine yourself and re-enchant your life. You need to keep your eyes on your own path.
- Ex-Tracking: Perhaps the most toxic behavior I’ve witnessed many women engage in is ex-tracking. Whether it’s monitoring their movement using a location tracking software on their phone that you once shared, continuing to log into shared bank accounts that they now own, or observing them on social media – none of it is good for you. These activities are super toxic. Don’t let yourself engage in them. If you have the urge, get an accountability partner or friend who can stop you when you start going into these modes. Constantly monitoring the activities of an ex prevents you from moving on. It keeps you from building your solo life. Worst of all, it keeps you stuck in pain and drama.
- Fear of the Unknown: Uncertainty is a huge component of any breakup and may feel more intense for an older person who’d counted on a certain level of security from a marriage or partnership. The uncertainty of being single as an older person can cause added anxiety because there are fewer partnership options and fewer career options. But I want to remind you that nothing in your life has ever been guaranteed. Dramatic and unexpected change can happen to anyone at any time. Nobody is ever truly secure, even if you felt relatively secure in your old life. Anything can happen at any time. Certainty is always an illusion.
Other Factors
Myriad other factors may impact your healing journey. Each of these may need to be considered. Depending on the depth of interconnection, you may need to make plans for how to resolve them or come up with a plan for dealing with them on an ongoing basis.
- People external to the relationship sharing (unsolicited) opinions
- The other man/woman enacting toxic behaviors (aimed at you or your children)
- Your own problems/insecurities/issues that may have contributed to the situation
- Children
- Mutual friends
- Shared business, or shared business contacts
The Healing Journey
Once you are ready to move on from your ex and begin your next chapter, free from challenging toxic behaviors, the real adventure begins!
The strategies below can help you navigate the new terrain with grace and inspiration.
Evaluating and Accepting
Look honestly a what he/she did or what he/she didn’t do. You’ll also need to be frank about what you did and didn’t do. Evaluate where you are emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, financially, socially, etc.
This a critical part of the healing process. What resources are available to you? How can you make things work going forward? Is your divorce going to be easy or difficult? There are many considerations. A clear recognition and acceptance of what you have and what you need will guide you through the days ahead.
Healthy Rituals
I could have incorporated this item into another healthy coping category, but it is so vital to adjusting to a new life that I want to call it out individually. Self-care rituals, even the most basic ones, are necessary now. Start small when you are still in deep grief: drink water, move your body, eat as well as you can, and find little ways to give yourself what you need. As you feel stronger, build on your routines. Incorporate supplements, yoga, exercise, and whatever else makes you healthy and well. Beneficial, self-focused rituals are the foundation upon which you build your new life.
Seeing Yourself
Seeing yourself and imagining yourself through the eyes of others or reimagining yourself can help you in several ways. Studying your physical form can empower you to feel confident about your ability to attract new partners and inspire compassion for faults. Writing and journaling to explore who you are in this new separate state can help you to understand what you are experiencing and learning as you grow into your single status. Seeing yourself through the eyes of new connections or through re-connecting with old friends who fell by the wayside during the relationship can remind you of the aspects of yourself that others find exciting and attractive. Seeing yourself again can also happen through the attention of potential new partners/lovers. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll probably choose to wait a bit to heal from the relationship you just ended before you get into a new one.
Role Stripping
Laying it bare and evaluating who you are without the relationship can be painful, but it can also be empowering. Each of us has a set of roles we wear in different social situations. Wife/partner is a role with a lot of baggage and tendrils in many facets of life. Spend time journaling about how many ways this role comes into play in daily life, how many situations you use the role as armor in, and how many ways losing it impacts your status and comfort in social situations. Then, you can try on the new role of single or divorced person. Rehearsing this role privately before you wear it out in the world can help ease the transition.
Reimagining or Visioneering
Imagining a new life can be as thrilling as it is challenging. Try to think of it as an extraordinary opportunity. What have you always wanted to do?
Consider future dreams. This can look different for everyone. Some may hope for another partner, while others never want to do that again. Some may get excited thinking of a house where they feel safe. Some are looking to leave the country and start fresh. Let yourself imagine new careers and hobbies, reimagine yourself through old hobbies, revisit former accomplishments that inspire you to reclaim lost passions, or explore new places. It is all on the table as you devise a vision for your future and design a vision board for solo living.
Finding Your Tribe
Find a group (or groups) that can support you and help you thrive. While moving through grief, you will need reinforcement and compassion. You may also need therapy and other healing modalities. To the extent that you are able, give yourself these resources. Let yourself be cared for and ministered to. Feedback, sympathy, and compassion are invaluable now. Just as much as you need to see yourself again, it’s essential to be seen. It is vital that the grief you are working through be acknowledged and supported by a caring group of compassionate people who value you and your healing heart.
Making Life Yours
Newly-single adults often find that they have extra time on their hands. Living with a partner entails a good amount of caretaking, and the extra time can leave you feeling lost and empty in the early days following a breakup. As you get more accustomed to your new reality, you can take steps to make your space, and by extension, your life, feel like yours.
This may mean buying a few small luxuries or reclaiming formerly shared spaces for yourself. It may also look like getting a haircut, starting a workout routine, or gradually eliminating old habits and shared behaviors. Ultimately you will need to do whatever is required to make your life your own. The primary objective is for your life to feel like something you chose and own.
Being single again at 40+ is a different experience than being single in your 20s and 30s and warrants a different and better response. I say this because we are different and better. This singular experience requires sober re-evaluation and purposeful acceptance of what is, followed by a thorough reclaiming of the self. The changes you are navigating now may have been unexpected and will undoubtedly be difficult, but they are also yours to define. Own them.