What is over-functioning? Do you do it? Why is it a problem? Those are three questions this article will answer.
What is over-functioning?
Over-functioning refers to an excessive and compulsive need to take responsibility and have control in relationships, work life, and other areas. Individuals who engage in over-functioning often feel a strong sense of obligation to care for others and struggle with setting boundaries and establishing appropriate emotional and physical limits. This behavior can result in exhaustion, burnout, and a lack of fulfillment for those who prioritize the needs of others over their own. Over-functioning can also create a dynamic in relationships, where others become under-functioners, dependent on the over-functioner to solve problems and make decisions at the expense of their self-esteem and ability to operate as adults.
Recently, a friend divorced her husband of 20+ years. On the day the divorce was finalized, she felt incredibly guilty. When I asked why she felt that way, she said she wasn’t sure. I asked a different question: do you feel guilty because you know he is worse off than you are? She thought about it for a while and recognized that was why she felt guilty. I reminded her that she had been bearing all the emotional weight and managing all the responsibilities in the relationship (doing the majority of the housework and child-rearing and handling the bills, which were habitually late because of his financial unreliability). Her husband employed weaponized incompetence as a way of trapping her in the marriage, and her over-functioning tendencies enabled him to be irresponsible for decades. When it came down to it, and the rubber hit the road, she felt guilty, knowing he was ill-equipped to manage his life without her. And if you think taking advantage of her was good for him, think again. He suffered from the keen awareness of his failures with plummeting self-esteem and a feeling of worthlessness. No one wins when one person perpetually over-functions.
Do you over-function?
Do you give too much? Do you do too much, either because of the weaponized incompetence of others or your own controlling tendencies? Do you find that you always do more than others in relationships, family, or work? If so, you may be an over-functioner.
Functioning describes the state of being able to handle independent adult life and all its responsibilities. A functioning adult can do things like make it to work on time (dressed appropriately), schedule and remember doctor/dentist/other appointments, and pay bills on time. Functioning includes managing all the basic tasks and responsibilities of modern society.
Over-functioning is characterized by an excessive and compulsive drive to take on responsibilities, control situations, and meet the needs of others beyond reasonable limits, often at the expense of one’s well-being. It involves a tendency to micromanage and an inability to delegate or trust others to handle tasks. Over-functioners often feel a deep sense of responsibility and fear that if they don’t take charge, everything will fall apart.
The over-functioning problem
A typical dynamic in many families (as well as in other relationships) is that one person over-functions, handling all the responsibilities. At the same time, the rest of the gang follows their lead doing the bare minimum. This behavior is a major problem because over-functioning leads to burnout, resentment, anxiety, and stress. Over-functioning is toxic because it creates an imbalanced and unhealthy relationship dynamic. Individuals who over-function often take on more responsibility than they can handle and feel a compulsive need to control the outcomes of situations. This often results in resentment towards others and a lack of personal fulfillment. In addition, over-functioning enables under-functioning in others. Under-functioning individuals become dependent on the over-functioner to solve problems and make decisions. This creates a vicious cycle of over-functioning and under-functioning, perpetuating the toxic relationship dynamic. Over-functioning also leads to a lack of trust and respect in relationships, as both parties feel disempowered and undervalued.
The dark side of over-functioning is that it makes the receivers dependent and removes their agency while exhausting the giver. Over-functioning is a failure rather than a gift. Over-functioning doesn’t make you a superhero; it demonstrates that you have experienced trauma or been forced to overcompensate for the shortcomings of others.
The over-functioner / under-functioner dynamic and codependence
Codependence is a psychological condition wherein one develops an unhealthy and excessive reliance on another person for their self-esteem, identity, and emotional well-being. It often involves enabling or supporting dysfunctional behavior in the other person to maintain a sense of control and importance in the relationship. Codependent individuals tend to neglect their own needs and focus excessively on meeting the needs of the other, leading to an imbalanced and often toxic dynamic. This behavior can result in a cycle of dependency, low self-worth, and difficulty setting boundaries, ultimately hindering personal growth and healthy relationships. It’s not a stretch to see that the dynamic between the over-functioner and the under-functioner has the same elements as a codependent relationship.
Is trauma the cause of your controlling behavior?
Trauma is an emotional or psychological response to a distressing or deeply disturbing event or experience. It can result from various sources, such as physical or emotional abuse, accidents, natural disasters, or witnessing violence. Trauma can significantly impact thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, often causing long-lasting effects that interfere with overall well-being and functioning.
When someone has experienced trauma, they may develop a heightened sense of responsibility and a need to control their environment as a means of feeling safe and secure. Basically, trauma can lead you to over-functioning as a coping mechanism. Over-functioning becomes a way to regain control and stability after a traumatic event. By taking on excessive responsibilities and trying to anticipate and prevent any potential harm or chaos, you may believe you can protect yourself and others from similar traumas in the future. It’s a trauma-based coping response to situations where you or others might feel anxiety.
Furthermore, over-functioning distracts from the psychological impacts of trauma. By busying yourself with numerous tasks and responsibilities, you temporarily avoid confronting and processing the underlying emotions and memories related to the traumatic event. Over-functioning becomes a way to suppress the pain, providing a temporary sense of relief. However, this coping strategy is exhausting and unsustainable in the long run, potentially leading to burnout, strained relationships, and neglect of personal needs.
Getting to the bottom of your over-functioning issues will dramatically improve your life and relationships. When you start letting other people manage their responsibilities, you’ll find more space for true companionship and joy. Your life will feel more spacious and expansive. You’ll get a feeling of possibility. Ultimately, over-functioning is not a solution to any relationship or emotional problem. It leads to resentment, overwhelm, and burnout.
Getting over it!
The first step to overcoming the habit of over-functioning is to notice when you do it. It’s important to recognize when you feel compelled to control situations so you can address the issues at the root of that need. This awareness is the basis for treating the underlying problems fueling the behavior. Treatment for over-functioning behavior may involve therapy to explore underlying issues and learn healthy boundaries. Engaging in various self-care practices may also be part of the process. The best long-term solution is to seek appropriate support and interventions that address the root causes of over-functioning. While over-functioning may help you avoid stress for a little while, it creates other problems. Remember, when you take on other people’s responsibilities, you also take on their karma. Over-functioning may temporarily relieve your anxiety but will never heal the core issues driving the behavior. It is critical to get to the core of maladaptive behaviors.
In the end, boundaries are critical. Only you know how much bandwidth you have. You get to decide who gets to know you and how you spend your precious time. As you examine the relationships in your life, remember that you don’t have to continue participating in any relationships that are harming or overwhelming you. It is a privilege to have a person’s time. Don’t extend that great honor to people who make you feel bad about who you are or steal your joy.
Quick quiz: How do you measure up?
You have just so much emotional bandwidth. The following quiz will help you quickly assess your level of functioning.
How do you rate your level of functioning within your relationships?
Over functioning [1 point]
Optimal functioning [2 points]
Under functioning [3 points]
I feel that other people accomplish more than I do:
Never [1 point]
Sometimes [2 points]
Often [3 points]
I feel overwhelmed and depleted:
Often [1 point]
Sometimes [2 points]
Never [3 points]
Partners/family members/colleagues) take ___ responsibility for important shared tasks.
Little [1 point]
Some [2 points]
Equal [3 points]
Add up the points for each answer to get your score!
If you scored 6 or less, you probably over-function. Now is a great time to look at the balance of responsibilities in your relationship(s) and plan to create more equality and a better distribution of emotional and physical labor.
If you scored 7-9, you might be an over-funtioner. Consider looking at your relationship(s) to determine if there are places you can achieve a more equal distribution of responsibility.
If you scored 10-12, congratulations. Your relationship(s) are relatively equal. Keep doing the work!